The USELESSNESS of being GOOD and ETHICAL/ Oct 18 2012
This is my realization from my experience.
I was brought up in a disciplined environment with Ethics being the cornerstone of my character. Being Good and Righteous
was cultivated and taught by my parents and teachers in school which I believed and learnt with all my soul. I was taught
to be kind, responsible and sharing; to be responsible and accountable for my deeds and actions. I put my energy and strength
in sports, I put my mind and intelligence in studies, drawing, singing, writning and debating. I grew up in an environment
of kindness but no pampering, at least by my parents. It is not that I was not pampered by my uncles and aunts or by my
grndmother but that was balanced by a strong and austere upbringing by my parents. I was admitted in Boy Scouts which taught
me to be stromng and fearless in mind, adaptative and accomodating in my outlook, open and eager to learn in my attitude, and
to be able to feel comfortable in my enviornment. My parents inculcated the habit of reading and this opened up the world for me.
I read all types of literature and books of knowledge, I read maps and atlases to learn about other people and cultures, I read
newspapers to learn about what is happening in the world. I was fascinated by sports and learnt to swim, used to play football
and cricket with other guys in school and para; later on I started training in table tennis and cricket. My childhood was filled
with activities and learning, friends and relatives and a lot of social activities. I was taught to be kind to people around,
to those who did not have all that I had and the less privileged. I had a beautiful world of my own filled with love, learning
and goodness all around. My parents were upright and respected characters and the love and respect they got from others was an
inspiration for me and I wanted to be like them.
Even today, the basic characteristics which define me are my strong ethics and responsibility, accountability and kindness,
my sharing, unselfish and social mind. However, these very factors are the reasons behind my failure in family life. Yes, it
is a fact that my family life is a big ZERO and I am a complete FAILURE in that regard. My relationships all around today
are destroyed. I have been a bad son, unable to provide anything to my parents; the fact is that I even owe a huge amount of
money to my parents and brother; leave aside performing my duties towards them as a elder son/brother. My wife is unsocial
and sick, she is neither a good wife or a good mother. My son is autistic and unable to learn or live socially and needs
constant supervision and support even to do his personal daily chores, forget about learning a skill or vocation. My friends
and peers have all drifted apart for this. I dont have a job today and am sunk under huge debts. The environment at my home
is so unbearable that it drives me mad.
I have been fooled and failed by my wife. When she was not my wife, she promised me that she would be happy and make me happy
and I married her believing that. But, she did that only to cheat me. She did that to escape from her environment and surroundings
and to get her own space. She never ever tried to imbibe and adapt, forcing things to be her way and going to the extent of lying
to me about everything and everyone around causing me to foolishly believe and trust her and take up fights with everyone else.
She would not practise any discipline, not learn anything, not do her duties in the family and household, not perform her duties
as a wife and a daughter-in-law and only indulge in pleasures of her own which are lowly acts like PNPC and gossip, mindless
decorations and pratises for her skin deep beauty. This slowly but surely destroyed all that I was. She would not learn and imbibe
good practices and educate herself, instead she would badmouth people and surroundings and demand from me, to change her life and to
provide her with everything. I hoped and felt that she would be happy and do good things if I provide and did everything for
that but it has landed me to where I am today. Today I am a worthless individual with ugly vitiligo patches on my face and hands,
and many other places on my body. I smoke and drink out of frustration ruining my health; today I have a much degenerated heart.
I have bad knees and teeth. My body is deprived of good and nutritious food, particularly a breakfast which ruins my day and frays
my temper and negatively affects my behaviour. All this have led to a poor mental condition and this has reflected in my work and
professional life too and today I am unable to keep jobs. I was once upon a time a very good professional with strong abilities
to do business and mix with people all of which have been destroyed.
There is no escape from this truth and whatever I do to come out of it, is useless and pointless.
I remember that I married my wife because of my feelings towards her which was only love for her. I did not consider her negativeness
and family which were completely opposite and inferior to my world and environment. I hoped that with love and care, positive actions
this could be overcome and rectified. Example, she was sick and used to fall ill very frequently. I decided to marry her so that
i could treat her as needed by good doctors. Her brothers took her to the OPD of a govt hospital NRS for treatment which was
not good and aggravated things but they continued due to their callousness and lack of sense. I wanted to rectify that and that is the
reason why I took her to a good doctor immediatley after or marriage. The day after my marriage reception was over, I left house and went
to my brothers home in Salt Lake to study and write my MBA papers which were due in 10 days time. I wrote the papers and with
this limited preparation, secured a First Class which was rare. I was perhaps one amongst 3/4 who secured Forst Class in our year.
I was looking for a job and was struggling to keep things on a even keel in economic terms but my wife was completely blind to this.
She carried on with her life in the irresposnible and insensitive was that she liked and this was supported and encouraged by
her mother and sisters and brothers.
My strong ethics made me marry her at a early age risking my personal well being and comfort. My sense of responsibility made me write
my exams the way I did after my marriage. My kindness made me to take her to doctor, to admit her in BA classes and music classes.
to introduce her to all my friends and relatives and she was welcomed by all with love and respect with an objective to give her a good
social environment. But she rejected and demeaned all these efforts from my side and did things to hurt and insult me. She would not do
anything good or positive but only to gossip and buy things for her own, be completely irresponsible with everything. and her mother etc
would encourage her for doing all these without even stopping and thinking how it is going to destroy her.
My life is completely destroyed and there is no hope for anything good. Whatever I did has been ruined and there is nothing
I can do about it anymore. The only escape is to completely sever myself from her but I am unable to do that because of my son.
Where and how will he live? I am certain my wife will not allow my son to be put in a home or school and would continue to keep
him with her which will further destroy him. His life has been completely ruined by her idiosyncracies and example.
I went away from home without any information to anyone. I went to a small town and tried to do a small job, with no hangups. I used to feel very lonely in the evenings and nights. I was working hard like a long time back. But then she called and cried. I once more could not resist from replying and trying to be beside her and help her. It is this major weakness in me which has ruined all my work and resolve. I have tried hard and a lot but have not been able to take out my love from my heart and mind. I am a prisoner of my love and feelings. I am overwhelmed by sweeps of love surging in my mind and by waves of passion, of rising anger and brewing satisfaction. It is my problem I guess and no one can help.
